Verlies en rou

Om ’n student in ’n oop- en afstandsleeromgewing te wees, beteken dat jou studie verweef is met die omgewing waarin jy leef. Dis reeds ’n uitdaging om nuwe gewoontes aan te leer ten einde gemotiveerd te bly en elke jaar jou studie suksesvol te voltooi. Dit word nog moeiliker om op datum te bly met jou studieverpligtinge wanneer jy verlies ervaar en eers deur die rouproses moet werk voordat jy by jou nuwe omstandighede aanpas en jou studietoewyding hervat.

Verlies kan skielik en onverwags kom, of dit kan ’n lang aanloop hê en van so ’n aard wees dat ’n mens dit te wagte is. Verlies kan ook op baie verskillende maniere voorkom. Daar is verskillende vlakke van verlies, en elke individu sal die impak van ’n bepaalde verlies anders aanvaar. Verlies kan in die vorm van die verlies van ’n geliefde vanweë siekte, natuurlike oorsake, trauma of ’n ramp wees; verlies van identiteit vanweë immigrasie; verlies van die vermoë om te sien, te hoor of te loop; verlies van werk en/of status of ’n beroepsidentiteit; verlies van ’n huwelik of verhouding; verlies van ’n geliefde troeteldier; of verlies van ’n woonplek vanweë finansiële nood, personeelvermindering, siekte of aftrede. Enige verlies gaan gepaard met ’n tydperk van verandering en oorgang.

Rou

Rou is die respons of reaksie op ’n verlies. Om te rou oor ’n verlies is ’n baie persoonlike ervaring; elkeen het hul eie manier om verlies en rou te hanteer. Omdat die ervaring van verlies persoonlik is, kan ons nie voorskryf hoe en wanneer ’n individu verlies en rou moet ervaar nie. Mense ervaar verlies op verskillende maniere en hulle rou ook verskillend – ons elkeen kies hoe ons met ons verliese wil omgaan. Party mense kan dalk selfs besluit dat hulle nie die pyn van verlies wil ervaar nie – dit is opsigself ook ’n manier om te rou.

Rou gaan met ’n verskeidenheid response gepaard: emosionele response (gevoelens van hartseer, skuld, woede, vrees, ens.), gedragsresponse (om van mense te onttrek; nie betyds jou werk klaar te kry nie; te sukkel om te konsentreer; slaapprobleme), en fisiologies (naarheid, moegheid, pyne en skete, gewigsverlies of -toename, en ’n verswakte immuunstelsel). Daar kan selfs emosies soos woede wees; of ’n gevoel van onafgehandelde sake wat betref jou verhouding met die persoon wat nie meer daar is nie. Jy kan teenstrydige gevoelens oor rou ervaar, en jy kan kwaad voel vir die persoon wat nie meer daar is nie. Dit is belangrik om hierdie gevoelens uit te sorteer sodat genesing kan geskied.

Ons neem dikwels nie die tyd om deur die verlies te werk en na te dink oor wat dit in ons lewens beteken of hoe dit ons vermoë om aan te beweeg, beïnvloed nie. Soms skep ons, of die mense rondom ons, nie die ruimte om te rou nie. In baie kontekste word iemand wat rou, gesien as swak as hulle sukkel om die verlies te hanteer. Dit kan dalk moeilik wees om met ander te praat oor dit wat jy deurmaak. Daar kan ’n persepsie wees dat om met ander oor jou verlies te praat, ’n teken van swakheid is en dui op jou onvermoë om ’n verlies te hanteer.

Hoe skep jy ruimte om te rou en ’n verlies te hanteer as die konteks waarin jy jouself bevind, jou nie die ruimte gun vir gespreksvoering oor jou verlies nie? Hoe bewerkstellig jy ’n ruimte vir genesing? Jy kan begin deur te dink hoe jy die “wond sal wil behandel” – is jy gereed om op ’n betrokke manier (nie op ’n afgetrokke of oppervlakkige manier nie) met jou verlies te begin omgaan? Vir sommige mense duur dit dae, maande, of selfs jare om ’n manier te vind om in ’n verlies te berus.

In die meeste gevalle sal mense nie bloot ’n verlies hanteer en dan nooit weer daaraan dink nie. Ons word so dikwels aan ons verlies herinner, en kry weer die gevoel van verlies, wanneer ons spesifieke lewensgebeurtenisse soos ’n gradeplegtigheid, ’n huwelik, of die geboorte van ’n baba deurmaak. Hoe ons die verlies aanvaar, is deel van die hantering daarvan. Die omstandighede ten opsigte van die verlies sal ook ’n invloed hê op hoe ons verlies sien, en hoe ons kies om aan te gaan.

Hoe om ondersteuning te bewerkstellig vir die hantering van verlies, veral in tye van spanning (bv tydens eksamens)

Dink na oor hoe en wanneer jy ondersteuning nodig het. Jy kan byvoorbeeld besig wees met eksamens, wanneer jy besef dat jou ma se afsterwe drie maande gelede, nou ’n negatiewe uitwerking het op jou vermoë om op jou eksamenvoorbereiding te fokus. Jy kan dink oor hoe jy nou ondersteun moet word om dit te hanteer. ’n Moontlikheid sou wees om eerste op jou eksamens te fokus, en daarna hulp te kry met die verwerking van jou verlies. Dit kan wees dat die angstigheid en stres wat gewoonlik met die eksamentydperk gepaard gaan, ’n diepliggende gevoel van verlies en eensaamheid aangewakker het.

Besinningsvrae

Die vrae wat jy hier sal vind, kan jou help om beter te verstaan wat die verlies beteken en wat jy kan doen om die punt van aanvaarding te bereik. Dit kan beteken dat jy by die stadium uitkom waar die pyn meer hanteerbaar is en by jou daaglikse lewe inpas, pleks daarvan om jou lam te lê. Dit, tesame met die ondersteuning wat jy by jou familie en ander kan kry, kan jou help.

1. Waarom, dink jy, is dit in hierdie stadium belangrik dat jy met iemand moet praat oor jou verlies – wat het onlangs gebeur, wat jy dink jou geaffekteer het? Wat anders gebeur in jou lewe?
2. Beskryf die aard van die verlies. Wat het gebeur?
3. Hoe handhaaf hierdie verlies verhoudings, of hoe belemmer dit jou vermoë om bevredigende verhoudings met ander te hê?
4. Waaroor rou jy? Wat het jy verloor?
5. Hoe affekteer hierdie ervaring van verlies jou sin van jouself? (Hoe sien jy jouself voor en ná die verlies?)
6. Waarvoor hoop jy, en hoe stel jy jouself voor dat dinge verander?
7. Het jy al oorweeg om ’n steungroep te soek? Met wie sal jy die gemaklikste voel – vriende, familie, jou geloof- of spirituele groep?
8. As jy deel is van ’n groep mense (byvoorbeeld, jou familie) wat ’n verlies ervaar het, hoe kan julle mekaar in die rouproses ondersteun?
9. Wat sal jy vir jouself kan doen? (Dit sal selfsorgaktiwiteite insluit; ’n kreatiewe uitlaatklep soos skryf of die skep van ’n herinneringsboek; besluit hoe jy ten beste uiting gee aan jou rou sodat jy kan genees – dit kan in die vorm wees van beplanning van hoe om herdenking van die verlies te hanteer as deel van genesing; gebruik van bestaande rituele van jou familie of spirituele tradisie, of die skep van nuwe rituele.)
10. Hoe kan jy gaan van waar jy nou is na waar jy graag wil wees? (Hou die volgende in gedagte: om te rou is natuurlik; dit help jou om te genees; die rouproses volg sy eie tydlyn; dit bied ’n geleentheid vir groei as dit aangegryp en in werking gestel word.)
11. As jy al die bogenoemde gedoen het, en jy voel steeds paniekerig, wat moet jy doen? (Dit sluit in om hulp te soek as jy voel jy kan nie aanbeweeg nie, en wanneer rou in depressie ontaard.

Dealing with grief and loss aanbieding oor hoe om met rou en verlies om te gaan

Het jy ’n behoefte om met iemand te gesels?

Leer meer oor die ondersteuningsdienste aangebied deur Unisa se Direktoraat vir Voorligting en Beroepsontwikkeling en hoe om ’n voorligter te kontak vir ’n gesprek.

Tahlegelo le Manyami

Go ba moithuti tikologong ya go ithuta ka onlaene (ka ntle ga khamphase/lefelo la go ithuta) go ra gore dithuto tša gago di ba tikologong yeo o dulago go yona. Go ithuta mekgwa e meswa gore o dule o na le tlhohleletšo le go fetša dithuto tša gago ka katlego ngwaga o mongwe le o mongwe ke mathata – go ba boima kudu go tšwela pele ka dithuto tša gago ge o itemogela tahlegelo gomme o hloka nako ya go fola manyaming ao pele o e ba maemong a tlwaelo le go tšwelapele gape ka dithuto tša gago.

Tahlegelo e ka direga gonabjale gape e ka ba ye e sa letelwago, goba ya nako e telele gape ye e letetšwego. Tahlegelo e ka tla ka ditsela tše dintši tša go fapana. Go na le maemo a go fapana a maitemogelo a tahlegelo gomme batho ba amega ka ditsela tša go fapana. Tahlegelo e ka tla ka go lahlegelwa ke bommamoratwa ka lebaka la bolwetši, mabaka a tlhago, letšhogo, goba masetlapelo; tahlegelo ya boitšhupo ka lebaka la bofaladi; tahlegelo ya bokgoni bja go bona, go kwa goba go sepela; tahlegelo ya mošomo le/goba maemo goba boitšhupo bja mošomo; tahlegelo ya lenyalo goba tswalano; tahlegelo ya seruiwaratwa sa ka lapeng; goba go lahlegelwa ke legae ka lebaka la mathata a ditšhelete, go lahlegelwa ke mošomo, bolwetši goba go rola mošomo. Tahlegelo e nngwe le e nngwe e tla le nako ya diphetogo.

Manyami

Manyami ke maikutlo ao a bago gona ka morago ga tahlegelo. Go ba manyaming ka lebaka la tahlegelo ke maitemogelo a motho, gomme motho o mongwe le o mongwe o na le tsela ya gagwe ya go amogela tahlegelo le go ba manyaming. Ka ge maitemogelo a tahlegelo e le a motho, re ka se botše motho gore a itemogele tahlegelo le manyami neng goba bjang. Batho ba itemogela tahlegelo ka ditsela tša go fapana gomme ba amega ka ditsela tša go fapana – mongwe le mongwe wa rena o ikgethela ditsela tša go lebana le tahlegelo. Batho ba bangwe ba ka tšea sephetho sa gore ga ba nyake go itemogela bohloko bja tahlegelo – se le sona, ke tsela ya go ba manyaming.

Go ba manyaming go na le ditlamorago tše mmalwa tša go fapana: tša maikutlo (maikutlo a manyami, go ipona molato, pefelo, letšhogo, bjalobjalo), tša maitshwaro (go ikgogela morago bathong; go se dire mošomo wa gago ka nako; go palelwa ke go tsepama; mathata a go robala) le tša mmele (go feroga dibete, go lapa, dihlabi le mahloko, go fokotšega goba go oketšega mmele le tlhaelelo ya mašole a mmele). Go ka ba gape le maikutlo a pefelo goba go ipotša gore motho wo o be o tswalane le yena o sepetše le sa fetša merero e mengwe. O ka ba le maikutlo a go kopakopana ka go ba manyaming, le go galefela motho yo a sego gona. Go bohlokwa go lebana le maikutlo a gore o kgone go fola.

Gantši ga re tšee nako ya go lebelela le go gopodišiša gore tahlegelo e ra go reng go maphelo a rena le gore e ama bokgoni bja rena bja go tšwela pele bjang. Ka nako e nngwe rena batho ga re iphe sebaka sa go bontšha go nyama. Gantši, motho yo a lego manyaming o lebelelwa bjalo ka motho yo a fokolago, gomme “a sa kgone go lebeletšana le maemo”. Go ka ba boima go bolela le batho ba bangwe ka seemo seo a lego ka gare ga sona. Go ka ba le kgopolo ya gore go bolela le batho ba bangwe ka tahlegelo ya gago ke sešupo sa bofokodi le taetšo ya go se kgone ga gago go lebeletšana le tahlegelo.

O hlola bjang sebaka sa go ba manyaming le go lebana le tahlegelo mola maemo a o ikhwetšago o le go wona a sa go dumelele go bolela ka tahlegelo? O hwetša sebaka sa phodišo bjang? O ka thoma ka go nagana ka moo o ka nyakago go “hlatswa ntho” – na o loketše go thoma go lebana le tahlegelo ya gago ka tsela ye e amago batho (e sego ka tsela ya go hloka kamano goba ka mokgwa wo o sa tsenelelago)? Batho ba bangwe ba tšea matšatši, dikgwedi goba mengwaga go hwetša tsela ya go lebana le tahlegelo.

Gantši batho ga ba amogele tahlegelo gomme ba se sa gopola ka yona gape. Nako le nako re gopotšwa ka tahlegelo, gomme ra kwa bohloko gape, kudu ge re e ba le ditiragalo tše bohlokwa tša bophelo bjalo ka lenyalo, go ba le ngwana, goba go aloga. Tsela yeo re amogelago tahlegelo ke karolo ya phodišo. Maemo a tahlegelo a tla ama gape le tsela yeo re bonago tahlegelo, le ka moo re kgethago go tšwela pele.

Go nyaka thekgo ya go lebana le tahlegelo, kudukudu ka nako tše boima (mohlala, ge o itokišetša ditlhahlobo)

Nagana ka gore o nyaka thekgo bjang le gore o e hloka neng. Mohlala, o ka ba o ngwala ditlhahlobo tša gago, gomme wa lemoga gore go hlokofala ga bommago dikgweding tše tharo tše di fetilego bjale go ama gampe dithuto tša gago ka ge o palelwa ke go itokišetša tlhahlobo ya gago. O ka nagana ka thekgo ye o e hlokago gore o kgone go tšwela pele. O ka kgetha go tšwela pele ka go ngwala ditlhahlobo tša gago, gomme ka morago wa nyaka thekgo go go thuša ka tahlegelo ye o bilego le yona. E ka ba gore go tlalelano le kgatelelo ka tlwaelo tšeo di amanago le nako ya ditlhahlobo di go gopotša maikutlo ao a tseneletšego a go lahlegelwa le bodutu.

Dipotšišo tša kakaretšo

Dipotšišo tše di latelago di tla go thuša go bona gabotse gore tahlegelo ke eng le se o ka se dirago go kgona go amogela maemo a. Se se ka ra go fihlelela moo bohloko bo laolegago le go kgona go amogela bohloko bjalo ka karolo ya bophelo bja motho bja letšatši le letšatši gore bo se go palediše go dira dilo. Se, gammogo le thekgo ye o kgonago go e hwetša le ba lapa la geno le ba bangwe, di tla go thuša.

1. Ke ka lebaka la eng o nagana gore go bohlokwa go wena mo nakong ye go bolela le motho ka tahlegelo ya gago – ke eng seo se diregilego bjale seo o naganago gore se go amile? Ke eng se sengwe seo se diregago bophelong bja gago?
2. Hlaloša mokgwa wa tahlegelo. Go diregile eng?
3. Tahlegelo ye e go thuša bjang go boloka dikamano goba e thibela bjang go ba le dikamano tše di botse le ba bangwe?
4. O nyamišitšwe ke eng? O lahlegetšwe ke eng?
5. Naa maitemogelo a go lahlegelwa a go amile bjang? (O ipona bjang pele ga tahlegelo le morago ga tahlegelo?)
6. O holofela eng, gomme o bona dilo di fetoga bjang?
7. O kile wa nagana ka go nyaka sehlopha sa thekgo? Bao o ikwago o lokologile kudu le bona – bagwera, ba lapa goba ba phuthego ya gago?
8. Ge o le karolo ya sehlopha sa batho (mohlala, lapa la geno) seo se itemogetšego tahlegelo, le ka thekgana bjang go feta mahlokong a?
9. Ke eng se o ka kgonago go itirela sona? (Go akaretšwa dilo tša go itlhokomela; dilo tša boitlhamelo bjalo ka go ngwala goba go ngwala puku ya segopotšo; go tšea sephetho sa gore o tšweletša bohloko bjang gore o kgone go fola – se e kaba ka go itokišetša nako ya segopotšo go hlompha tahlegelo bjalo ka karolo ya phodišo; go šomiša meetlo yeo e lego gona ya lapa la geno goba tša tumelo ya setšo, goba go dira meetlo e meswa.)
10. O ka tloga bjang mo o lego gona bjale go fihlelela mo o ratago go ba gona? (Gopola tše di latelago: go ba manyaming ke tlhago; go go thuša go fola; go ya le nako; go fa sebaka sa kgolo ge o go amogela ka tsela ya maleba)
11. Ge o dirile ka moka tše di ngwadilwego mo godimo, gomme o sa ikwa o tshwenyegile, o swanetše go dira eng? (Go akaretšwa go nyaka thušo ge o palelwa o sa kgone go tšwela pele, le ge go ba manyaming go fetoga kgatelelo ya monagano.)

O hloka motho yo o ka bolelago le yena?

• Tlhagišo ya Dealing with grief and loss
• Ithute ka botlalo ka support services offered tšeo di abiwago ke Unisa Directorate for Counselling and Career Development le how to contact a counsellor go ba le poledišano.

Tatlhegelo le Kutlobotlhoko

Go nna moithuti mo maemong a go ithuta o le kwa kgakala go kaya gore dithuto tsa gago e nna karolo ya tikologo e o tshelang mo go yona. Go itlwaetsa mekgwa e mentšhwa gore o tswelele go rotloetsega le go konosetsa dithuto tsa gago ka katlego ngwaga mongwe le mongwe e setse e ntse e le kgaratlho – go nna boima le go feta go tswelela pele sentle ka dithuto tsa gago fa o itemogela tatlhegelo mme o tlhoka go samagana le kutlobotlhoko pele ga o tlwaela seemo sa gago se sentšhwa le go boela o semelela mo dithutong tsa gago.

Tatlhegelo e ka tla ka bonako mme e sa solofelwa, gongwe ya nna ya pakatelele le e e solofetsweng. Gape tatlhegelo e ka itlhagisa ka ditsela tse dintsi tse di farologaneng. Go na le magato a a farologaneng a tatlhegelo mme mongwe le mongwe o tlaa itemogela ditlamorago tsa tatlhegelo e e rileng ka tsela e e farologaneng. Tatlhegelo e ka nna ka tsela ya go latlhegelwa ke motho yo o mo ratang ka ntlha ya bolwetsi, mabaka a tlholego, manokonoko, gongwe matlhotlhapelo; go latlhegelwa ke boitshupo ka ntlha ya khudugo; go latlhegelwa ke bokgoni jwa go bona, go utlwa gongwe go tsamaya; go latlhegelwa ke tiro le/gongwe maemo gongwe boitshupo jwa tiro; go latlhegelwa ke lenyalo gongwe kamano; go latlhegelwa ke phologotswana e o e ratang; gongwe go latlhegelwa ke legae ka ntlha ya mathata a ditšhelete, go fokodiwa mo tirong, bolwetsi, gongwe go rola tiro ka ntlha ya bogolo.  Tatlhegelo nngwe le nngwe e tsamaya le paka ya diphetogo gongwe kgabaganyo.

Kutlobotlhoko

Kutlobotlhoko ke tsibogelo ya tatlhegelo. Go utlwa botlhoko ka ntlha ya tatlhegelo ke leeto la motho ka sebele, mme motho mongwe le mongwe o na le tsela ya gagwe ya go samagana le tatlhegelo le kutlobotlhoko. Ka ntlha ya fa maitemogelo a tatlhegelo e le a motho ka sebele, re ka se tlhophele motho gore a itemogele tatlhegelo le kutlobotlho jang le gore leng. Batho ba na le ditsela tse di farologaneng tsa go itemogela tatlhegelo le ka moo ba utlwang botlhoko ka gona – mongwe le mongwe wa rona o itlhophela tsela ya go samagana le tatlhegelo ya gagwe. Batho ba bangwe ba ka nna ba swetsa le gore ga ba batle go itemogela botlhoko jwa tatlhegelo – seno le sona ke tsela ya go utlwa botlhoko.

Kutlobotlhoko e tsamaya le ditsibogo tse di farologaneng: tsa maikutlo (go ikutlwa o na le manya, go ipona molato, go ngala, go tshoga, j.j.), maitsholo (go ikgogela morago mo bathong; go se dire tiro ka nako; go se kgone go tsepamisa mogopolo mo go sepe; mathata a go thulamela), le a mmele (go feroga sebete, go nna le letsapa, ditlhabi, go bopama gongwe go akola, le go wela tlase ga masole a mmele). Go ka nna ga nna gape le maikutlo a tshwana le go ngala gongwe go ikutlwa e kete go na le se se sa ntseng se tlhaela malebana le kamano ya gago le motho yo a sa tlholeng a na nao. O ka ikutlwa o na le ketsaetsego malebana le go utlwa botlhoko, le go ngalela motho yo a sa tlholeng a le gona. Go botlhokwa go rarabolola maikutlo ano gore go fola go diragale.

Gantsi ga re tseye nako ya go samagana le go sekaseka bokao jwa tatlhegelo eo mo matshelong a rona le ka moo e amang bokgoni jwa rona jwa go tswelela pele ka gona. Ka dinako dingwe rona gongwe batho ba ba re dikaganyeditseng, ga re dire sebaka sa go utlwa botlhoko. Gantsi motho yo o leng mo kutlobotlhokong o tsewa a le bokoa, gongwe “a palelwa ke maemo”. Go ka nna boima go bua le ba bangwe ka se o samaganeng naso. Go ka nna le mogopolo wa gore go bua le ba bangwe ka tatlhegelo ya gago ke letshwao la bokoa le sesupo sa gore o palelwa ke go samagana le tatlhegelo.

O itirela jang sebaka sa go utlwa botlhoko le go samagana le tatlhegelo fa seemo se o iphitlhelang o le mo go sona se sa go letle go bua ka tatlhegelo ya gago? O itirela jang sebaka sa go fola? O ka simolola ka go akanya ka gore o batla “go tlhatswa ntho” jang – a o siame go ka simolola go samagana le tatlhegelo ya gago ka tsela ya kgolagano (e seng ka go ipeela kwa thoko gongwe ka go itira e kete o mo taolong etswa go se jalo)? Batho ba bangwe ba tsaya malatsi, dikgwedi, tota le dingwaga go bona tsela ya go amogela tatlhegelo.

Mo mabakeng a mantsi batho ba ikgatholosa tatlhegelo mme ga ba akanye ka yona gape. Gantsi re gakologelwa tatlhegelo, mme re e utlwe gape, fa re nna le ditiragalo tse di rileng tsa botshelo go tshwana le go nyala, go nna le lesea, gongwe go aloga. Tsela e re amogelang tatlhegelo ka yona ke karolo ya go samagana le yona. Maemo a a bakileng tatlhegelo le ona a tlaa ama ka moo re lebang tatlhegelo ka gona, le ka moo re itlhophelang go tswelela pele ka gona.

Go ipatlela tshegetso ya go samagana le tatlhegelo, bogolo segolo ka nako ya kgatelelo (sk. o samagane le ditlhatlhobo)

Akanya ka gore o tlhoka tshegetso jang le gore o e tlhoka leng. Sekai, o ka ne o tshwaragane le ditlhatlhobo tsa gago, mme o lemoge gore go tlhokafala ga ga mmaago mo dikgweding tse tharo tse di fetileng jaanong go ama bokgoni jwa gago jwa go tsepamisa mogopolo mo go baakanyetseng ditlhatlhobo tsa gago. O ka akanya ka gore jaanong o ya go tlhoka tshegetso e e ntseng jang gore o kgone. O ka tlhopha go tsepamisa mogopolo pele mo ditlhatlhobong tsa gago, mme morago o bone tshegetso malebana le go samagana le tatlhegelo ya gago. Go ka direga gore tlhoatlhoego le kgatelelo e gantsi e tsamaelanang le paka ya ditlhatlhobo jaanong e bake maikutlo a tatlhegelo le bodutu.

Dipotso tse o tlaa di fitlhelang fano di ka go thusa go bona sentle gore tota tatlhegelo e kaya eng le gore ke eng se o ka kgonang go se dira gore o e amogele. Seno se ka kaya gore o fitlha mo seemong se mo go sona botlhoko bo leng botoka mme e nna karolo ya botshelo jwa gago jwa letsatsi le letsatsi go na le gore bo go koafatse.  Seno, mmogo le tshegetso e o ka e bonang mo go balelapa la gago le ba bangwe, se ka go tshegetsa.

1. Goreng o akanya gore go botlhokwa gore o bue le mongwe ka tatlhegelo ya gago mo nakong eno – go diragetse eng fa gautshwane se o akanyang gore se go amile? Go diragalang gape mo botshelong jwa gago?
2. Tlhalosa mofuta wa tatlhegelo. Go diragetseng?
3. Tatlhegelo eno e e tsweletsa jang dikamano gongwe e ama jang bokgoni jwa go nna le dikamano tse di itumedisang le ba bangwe?
4. O mo kutlobotlhokong ya eng? O latlhegetswe ke eng?
5. Maitemogelo ano a tatlhegelo a ama jang bowena? (O ipona jang pele le morago ga tatlhegelo?)
6. Ke eng se o se solofetseng, mme gape o bona dilo di ka fetoga jang?
7. A o kile wa akanya ka go bona setlhopha sa tshegetso? O ka ikutlwa o sosologile le mang thata – ditsala, balelapa, setlhopha sa tumelo gongwe semowa?
8. Fa o le karolo setlhopha (sekai, balelapa la gaeno) se se itemogetseng tatlhegelo, le ka tshegetsana jang go samagana le tirego ya kutlobotlhoko?
9. Ke eng se o ka se itirelang? (Seno se ka akaretsa ditirwana tsa go itlhokomela; go tlhagisa maikutlo ka boitlhamedi go tshwana le go kwala gongwe go dira buka ya segopotso; go swetsa gore o tlhagisa jang kutlobotlhoko ya gago gore o fole – seno e ka nna ka go rulaganya gore o samagana jang le malatsi a segopotso go tlotla tatlhegelo jaaka karolo ya go fola; go dirisa meetlo e e gona ya lelapa la gaeno gongwe meetlo ya semowa, gongwe go simolola meetlo e mentšhwa.)
10. O ka tloga jang fo o leng gona ga jaana go ya kwa o eletsang go nna gona? (O ntse o akanya ka seno: kutlobotlhoko ke selo sa tlholego; e go thusa go fola; e itsamaela ka nako ya yona; e naya tšhono ya go gola fa e amogelwa mme e dirisiwa.)
11. Fa o dirile tsotlhe tse di fa godimo, mme o sa ntse o etsaetsega, o tshwanetse go dirang? (Seno se akaretsa go batla thuso fa o utlwa gore o a palelwa, le fa kutlobotlhoko e fetoga go nna kgatelelo e e tseneletseng ya maikutlo.)

A o tlhoka go bua le mongwe?

• Dealing with grief and loss presentation

Need to talk to someone?

• Tlhagiso ya Dealing with grief and loss
• Ithute go le gontsi mo support services offered e e rebolwang ke Lefapha la Unisa la Tshidilomaikutlo le Tlhabololo ya Ditiro (Unisa Directorate for Counselling and Career Development) le how to contact a counsellor go buisana.

Ukulahlekelwa Nosizi

Ukuba ngumfundi endaweni yokufunda ufundela ekhaya kusho ukuthi izifundo zakho zithayiselwe endaweni ohlala kuyo. Ukwamukela imikhuba emisha ukuze uhlale unomdlandla futhi uqedele izifundo zakho ngempumelelo minyaka yonke sekungumzukuzuku - kuba nzima kakhulu ukuqhubeka endleleni ngezifundo zakho lapho ulahlekelwa futhi udinga ukubhekana nosizi ngaphambi kokuthi uzinze emqondweni wakho omusha ojwayelekile futhi uphinde uzinikele ezifundweni zakho.

Ukulahlekelwa kungaba ngokuzumayo futhi okungalindelekile, noma okwesikhathi eside futhi okulindelekile. Ukulahlekelwa nakho kungazibonakalisa ngezindlela eziningi ezahlukene. Kunamazinga ahlukene okulahlekelwa futhi umuntu ngamunye uzothola umthelela wokulahlekelwa okuthile ngendlela ehlukile. Ukulahlekelwa kungase kuthathe isimo sokulahlekelwa obathandayo ngenxa yokugula, izimbangela zemvelo, ukuhlukumezeka, noma inhlekelele; ukulahlekelwa ubuwena ngenxa yokuthuthela kwelinye izwe; ukulahlekelwa ikhono lokubona, ukuzwa noma ukuhamba; ukulahlekelwa umsebenzi kanye/noma isikhundla noma ulwazi lomsebenzi; ukulahlekelwa umshado noma ubuhlobo; ukulahlekelwa isilwane esifuywayo esithandekayo; noma ukulahlekelwa ikhaya ngenxa yezinkinga zezimali, ukudilizwa, ukugula, noma umhlalaphansi. Noma yikuphi ukulahlekelwa kuhambisana nesikhathi soshintsho noguquko.

Usizi

Usizi luyimpendulo noma ukusabela ekulahlekelweni. Ukudabuka ngenxa yokulahlekelwa kuwuhambo lomuntu siqu, futhi umuntu ngamunye unendlela yakhe yokulawula ukulahlekelwa nokudabuka. Njengoba okuhlangenwe nakho kokulahlekelwa kungokomuntu siqu, asikwazi ukusho ukuthi umuntu kufanele alahlekelwe kanjani futhi abhekane nini nosizi. Abantu banezindlela ezihlukene zokulahlekelwa kanye nendlela ababa sosizini ngayo – umuntu ngamunye yazikhethela ukuthi ubhekana kanjani nokulahlekelwa kwakhe. Abanye abantu bangaze banqume ukuthi abafuni ukuzwa ubuhlungu bokulahlekelwa - lokhu, futhi, kuyindlela yokuba sosizini.

Ukuba sosizini kuhambisana nezinhlobonhlobo zezimpendulo: ezingokomzwelo (imizwa yokudabuka, yecala, intukuthelo, ukwesaba, njll.), ukuziphatha (ukuhoxa kubantu; ukungawenzi umsebenzi wakho ngesikhathi; ukulwa ukuze ugxilise ingqondo; izinkinga zokulala), kanye nokwakheka komzimba (isicanucanu, ukukhathala, ukuphathwa yikhanda nezinhlungu, ukuncipha kwesisindo noma ukuzuza, nokwehla kwamasosha omzimba). Kungase kube nemizwa efana neyentukuthelo noma umuzwa webhizinisi elingaqediwe ohlobene nobuhlobo bakho nomuntu ongasekho nawe. Ungase uzizwe udidekile ngokulila, futhi uthukuthelele umuntu ongasekho. Kubalulekile ukuxazulula le mizwa ukuze ukwelapha kwenzeke.

Isikhathi esiningi asiziniki isikhathi sokucabanga futhi sizindle ngokuthi kusho ukuthini ukulahlekelwa ezimpilweni zethu nokuthi kuthinta kanjani ikhono lethu lokuqhubekela phambili. Ngezinye izikhathi thina noma abantu abasizungezile abadali indawo yokulila. Ezimweni eziningi, umuntu ozilayo uthathwa njengobuthakathaka, futhi "akakwazi ukubhekana nakho". Kungase kube nzima ukukhuluma nabanye ngalokho obhekene nakho. Kungase kube nombono wokuthi ukukhuluma nabanye ngokulahlekelwa kwakho kuwuphawu lobuthakathaka futhi kuwuphawu lokungakwazi kwakho ukubhekana nokulahlekelwa.

Usidala kanjani isikhala sokulila kanye nokubhekana nokulahlekelwa uma isimo ozithola ukuso singavumeli indawo yengxoxo mayelana nokulahlekelwa kwakho? Uxoxisana kanjani ngendawo yokuphulukisa? Ungaqala ngokucabanga ngokuthi ungafuna kanjani "ukugeza isilonda" - ingabe usukulungele ukuqala ukubhekana nokulahlekelwa kwakho ngendlela nekuxhumana ngayo (hhayi ngendlela evalekile noma ekha phezulu)? Abanye abantu bathatha izinsuku, izinyanga, noma iminyaka ukuthola indlela yokubhekana nokulahlekelwa.

Ezimweni eziningi abantu abamane babhekane nokulahlekelwa bese bengaphinde bacabange ngakho. Kaningi sikhunjuzwa ngokulahlekelwa, futhi sibe nomuzwa wakho futhi, lapho sidlula ezenzakalweni ezithile zempilo njengokushada, ukuba nomntwana, noma ukuthweswa iziqu. Indlela esikwamukela ngayo ukulahlekelwa iyingxenye yokubhekana nakho. Izimo zokulahlekelwa zizophinde zibe nomthelela endleleni esibheka ngayo ukulahlekelwa, nendlela esikhetha ukuqhubeka ngayo.

Ukuxoxisana ngosekelo lokubhekana nokulahlekelwa, ikakhulukazi ngezikhathi zokucindezeleka (isb. ukubhekana nezivivinyo)

Cabanga ukuthi udinga ukwesekwa kanjani futhi nini. Isibonelo, kungenzeka ukuthi umatasa nezivivinyo zakho, futhi uyabona ukuthi ukudlula emhlabeni kukamama wakho ezinyangeni ezintathu ezedlule manje kuyaqala kuba nomthelela omubi ekhonweni lakho lokugxila ekulungiseleleni ukuhlolwa kwakho. Ungase ucabange ukuthi manje uzodinga kanjani ukusekelwa ukuze ubhekane nakho. Ungakhetha ukuthi uqale ugxile ekubhaleni izivivinyo zakho, bese uthola ukwesekwa mayelana nokubhekana nokulahlekelwa kwakho. Kungenzeka ukuthi ukukhathazeka nokucindezeleka okuvame ukuhlotshaniswa nesikhathi sokuhlolwa kubangela umuzwa ojulile wokulahlekelwa nesizungu.

Ukubuyekeza imibuzo

Imibuzo ozoyithola lapha ingakusiza ukuthi ubone ngokucacile ukuthi kusho ukuthini ukulahlekelwa nokuthi yini ongayenza ukuze ukwazi ukufinyelela ekwamukeleni. Lokhu kungase kusho ukufika endaweni lapho ubuhlungu bulawuleka khona futhi bungena ekuphileni kwakho kwansuku zonke esikhundleni sokukukhubaza. Lokhu, kanye nokwesekwa okwaziyo ukuxoxisana nomndeni wakho nabanye, kungakweseka. Kungani ucabanga ukuthi kubalulekile kuwena ngalesi sikhathi ukuthi ukhulume nothile mayelana nokulahlekelwa kwakho - yini esanda kwenzeka ocabanga ukuthi ikuthinte? Yini enye eyenzekayo empilweni yakho?

1. Chaza uhlobo lokulahlekelwa. Kwenzenjani?
2. Lokhu kulahlekelwa kubugcina kanjani ubudlelwano noma kuvimbela ikhono lokuba nobudlelwano obanele nabanye?
3. Ukhalelani? Ulahlekelwe yini?
4. Lokhu ohlangene nakho okungukulahlekelwa kuwuthinta kanjani umuzwa wakho wobumina? (Uzibona kanjani ngaphambi nangemva kokulahlekelwa?)
5. Yini oyithembayo, futhi ubona kanjani izinto zishintsha?
6. Uke wacabanga ukuthola iqembu lokusekela? Ubani ongazizwa ukhululeke kakhulu uma unabo - abangani, umndeni, ukholo lwakho noma iqembu lomoya?
7. Uma uyingxenye yeqembu labantu (ngokwesibonelo, umndeni wakho) eliye lalahlekelwa, ningasekelana kanjani ekubhekaneni nezinqubo zosizi?
8. Yini ongakwazi ukuzenzela yona? (Lokhu kuzohlanganisa imisebenzi yokuzinakekela; indawo yokudala njengokubhala noma ukwenza incwadi yenkumbulo; ukunquma ukuthi ungakuveza kanjani kangcono ukulila kwakho ukuze ululame - lokhu kungase kuthathe uhlobo lokuhlela ukuthi ungabhekana kanjani nezinsuku zokugubha usuku ukuze uhloniphe ukulahlekelwa ingxenye yokuphulukisa; ukusebenzisa amasiko akhona omndeni wakho noma isiko likamoya, noma ukudala amasiko amasha.)
9. Ungasuka kanjani lapho okhona manje uye lapho ofisa ukuba khona? (Khumbula lokhu okulandelayo: ukuba lusizi kungokwemvelo; kukusiza ukuba ululame; kulandela umugqa wako wesikhathi; kunikeza ithuba lokukhula uma kwamukelwa futhi kusetshenziswe.)
10. Uma wenze konke lokhu okungenhla, futhi usazizwa ukhathazekile, yini okufanele uyenze? (Lokhu kuhlanganisa ukufuna usizo uma unomuzwa wokuthi awukwazi ukuqhubeka, futhi lapho usizi luba ukucindezeleka.)

Dealing with grief and loss presentation

Udinga ukukhuluma nomunye umuntu?

Funda kabanzi mayelana nezinsiza zokweseka ezihlinzekwa yi-Unisa Uphiko Lwezokwelulekwa Nokuthuthukiswa Kwemisebenzi nokuthi ungamthinta kanjani umeluleki ukuze nixoxisane.

Tahlehelo le Ho sarelwa

Ho ba moithuti sebakeng se bulehileng le se hole sa ho ithuta ho bolela hore dithuto tsa hao di eketswa tikolohong eo o phelang ho yona. Ho amohela mekgwa e metjha e le hore o dule o kgothetse le ho qeta dithuto tsa hao ka katleho selemo se seng le se seng e se e ntse e le bothata - ho ba thata le ho feta ho dula o le motjheng dithutong tsa hao ha o lahlehetswe mme o boetse o hloka ho sebetsana le mesarelo pele o ikamahanya le maemo a hao a tlwaelehileng le ho itlama hape dithutong tsa hao.

Tahlehelo e ka ba ya tshohanyetso le e sa lebellwang, kapa ya nako e telele le e lebelletsweng. Tahlehelo e ka boela ya iponahatsa ka ditsela tse ngata tse fapaneng. Ho na le maemo a fapaneng a tahlehelo mme motho ka mong o tla ba le boiphihlelo ba tahlehelo e itseng ka tsela e fapaneng. Tahlehelo e ka nka sebopeho sa ho lahlehelwa ke baratuwa ka lebaka la ho kula, mabaka a tlhaho, ho sithabela maikutlo, kapa tlokotsi; tahlehelo ya boitsebiso ka lebaka la ho falla; ho lahlehelwa ke bokgoni ba ho bona, ho utlwa kapa ho tsamaya; tahlehelo ya mosebetsi le/kapa boemo kapa boitsebiso ba mosebetsi; tahlehelo ya lenyalo kapa kamano; tahlehelo ya phoofolo ya lapeng e ratwang; kapa ho lahlehelwa ke lehae ka lebaka la mathata a ditjhelete, ho fokotswa mosebetsing, ho kula, kapa ho tlohela mosebetsi. Tahlehelo leha e le efe e tsamaisana le nako ya ho fetoha le phetoho.

Ho sarelwa

Ho sarelwa ke karabelo kapa boikutlo ho tahlehelo. Ho sarelwa ke ho lahlehelwa ke leeto la botho, mme motho e mong le e mong o na le tsela ya hae ya ho laola tahlehelo le mesarelo. Ka ha phihlelo ya tahlehelo ke ya botho, re ke ke ra bolela hore na motho o lokela ho lahlehelwa le ho sarelwa jwang hona neng. Batho ba na le mekgwa e fapaneng ya ho lahlehelwa le ho sarelwa - e mong le e mong wa rona o ikgethela hore na o sebetsana jwang le tahlehelo ya hae. Batho ba bang ba ka ba ba etsa qeto ya hore ha ba batle ho utlwa bohloko ba tahlehelo - sena, le sona, ke tsela ya ho sarelwa.

Ho sarelwa ho tsamaisana le letoto la dikarabelo: maikutlo (maikutlo a ho hlonama, ho ikutlwa molato, kgalefo, tshabo, jwalojwalo), boitshwaro (ho ikgula ho batho; ho se phethe mosebetsi wa hao ka nako; ho sokola ho tsepamisa mohopolo; mathata a ho robala), le ho sebetsa ha ditho tsa mmele (ho nyekelwa ke pelo, mokgathala, mahlaba le bohloko, ho theola boima ba mmele kapa ho eketseha, le ho fokotseha ha masole a mmele). Ho ka nna ha e ba le maikutlo a kang kgalefo kapa maikutlo a ntho e sa phethwang e amanang le kamano ya hao le motho ya seng a le siyo. O ka nna wa ikutlwa o sa utlwahale ka ho ba bofifing,mme o halefetse motho ya seng a le siyo. Ho bohlokwa ho rarolla maikutlo ana e le hore phodiso e be teng.

Hangata ha re iphe nako ya ho sebetsa le ho nahana hore na tahlehelo e bolela eng bophelong ba rona le hore na e ama bokgoni ba rona ba ho hatela pele jwang. Ka dinako tse ding rona kapa batho ba re potolohileng ha re iketsetse sebaka sa ho ba bofifing. Maemong a mangata, motho ya saretsweng o nkwa e le ya fokolang, mme "ha a mamelle". Ho ka nna ha e ba thata ho bua le ba bang ka mathata ao o thulanang le ona. Ho ka nna ha e ba le maikutlo a hore ho bua le ba bang ka tahlehelo ya hao ke pontsho ya bofokodi le pontsho ya ho hloleha ha hao ho sebetsana ka katleho le tahlehelo.

O etsa jwang sebaka sa ho ho ba bofifing le ho sebetsana le tahlehelo ha taba eo o iphumanang o le ho yona e sa o dumelle sebaka sa moqoqo ka tahlehelo ya hao? O buisana jwang ka sebaka sa phodiso? O ka qala ka ho nahana ka hore na o ka batla ho "hlatswa leqeba" jwang - na o se o itokiseditse ho qala ho sebetsana le tahlehelo ya hao ka tsela e hokahaneng (eseng ka mokgwa o ikemetseng kapa o ka hodimo)? Batho ba bang ba nka matsatsi, dikgwedi, esita le dilemo ho fumana tsela ya ho amohela tahlehelo.

Maemong a mangata, batho ha ba sebetsane feela le tahlehelo ebe ha ba sa e nahana hape. Hangata re hopotswa tahlehelo, mme re e utlwisisa hape, ha re feta diketsahalong tse kgethehileng tsa bophelo tse kang ho nyala, ho ba le ngwana, kapa ho qeta sekolong. Kamoo re amohelang tahlehelo ke karolo ya ho sebetsana le yona. Maemo a tahlehelo a tla boela a ama tsela eo re tadimang tahlehelo ka yona, le kamoo re kgethang ho tswela pele kateng.

Tshehetso ya dipuisano bakeng sa ho sebetsana le tahlehelo, haholoholo nakong ya kgatello ya maikutlo (mohlala, ho sebetsana le ditlhahlobo)

Nahana ka hore na o hloka tshehetso jwang hona neng. Mohlala, e ka nna ya ba o phathahane ka ditlhahlobo tsa hao, mme wa hlokomela hore ho feta ha mmao dikgweding tse tharo tse fetileng hona jwale ho na le sephetho se sebe bokgoning ba hao ba ho tsepamisa maikutlo ho lokisetseng ditlhahlobo tsa hao. O ka nahana ka hore na jwale o tla hloka tshehetso jwang hore o sebetsane le boemo boo. O ka kgetha ho tsepamisa maikutlo ho ngola dihlahlobo tsa hao pele, ebe o fumana tshehetso mabapi le ho sebetsana le tahlehelo ya hao. E ka nna yaba matshwenyeho le kgatello ya maikutlo tse atisang ho amahanngwa le nako ya tlhahlobo di baka maikutlo a tebileng a tahlehelo le bodutu.

Dipotso tsa ho thuisa

Dipotso tseo o tla di fumana mona di ka o thusa ho bona ka ho hlaka hore na tahlehelo e bolela eng le seo o ka kgonang ho se etsa hore o amohelehe. Sena se ka bolela ho fihla sebakeng seo bohloko bo laolehang haholwanyane mme bo loketseng bophelo ba hao ba letsatsi le letsatsi ho e na le ho o holofatsa. Sena, hammoho le tshehetso eo o kgonang ho buisana le ba lelapa la hao le ba bang ka yona, di ka o tshehetsa.

1. Ke hobaneng ha o nahana hore ho bohlokwa hore nakong ee o buisane le motho e mong ka tahlehelo ya hao - ke eng e etsahetseng morao tjena eo o nahanang hore e o amme? Ke eng hape e etsahalang bophelong ba hao?
2. Hlalosa mofuta wa tahlehelo. Ho etsahetse eng?
3. Tahlehelo ee e boloka dikamano kapa e sitisa jwang ho ba le dikamano tse phethahetseng le ba bang?
4. O llela eng? O lahlehetswe ke eng?
5. Phihlelo ee ya tahlehelo e ama maikutlo a hao jwang? (O ipona o le jwang pele le ka mora tahlehelo?)
6. O lebeletse eng, hona o bona dintho di fetoha jwang?
7. Na o nahanne ka ho fumana sehlopha sa tshehetso? Ke bomang bao o ka ikutlwang o phutholohile haholo ho bona - metswalle, lelapa, tumelo ya hao kapa sehlopha sa moya?
8. Haeba o karolo ya sehlopha sa batho (mohlala, lelapa la hao) se utlwileng bohloko, le ka tshehetsana jwang ho feta mesarelong?
9. O ka kgona ho iketsetsa eng? (Sena se tla kenyelletsa mesebetsi ya ho itlhokomela; mokgwa wa ho iqapela jwalo ka ho ngola kapa ho etsa buka ya memori; ho etsa qeto ya hore na o ka hlalosa ho sarelwa ha hao hamolemo jwang e le hore o fole - sena se ka nka mokgwa wa ho rera mokgwa wa ho sebetsana le dihopotso ho hlompha tahlehelo jwalo ka karolo ya phodiso; ho sebedisa ditlwaelo tse teng tsa lelapa la hao kapa moetlo wa moya, kapa ho theha ditlwaelo tse ntjha.)
10. O ka tloha moo o leng teng hona jwale jwang ho ya moo o ka ratang ho ba teng? (Hopola dintlha tse latelang: ho sarelwa ke ntho ya tlhaho; ho o thusa ho fola; ho latela kemiso ya yona ya nako; ho fana ka monyetla wa ho hola haeba e amohelwa le ho sebediswa.)
11. Haeba o entse dintho tse boletsweng ka hodimo, mme o ntse o ikutlwa o kgathatsehile, o lokela ho etsang? (Sena se akarelletsa ho batla thuso haeba o ikutlwa o sitwa ho tswela pele, mme ha ho sarelwa ho fetoha ho tepella maikutlong.)

Ho sebetsana le mesarelo le tlhahiso ya tahlehelo

Na o hloka ho bua le motho e mong?

Ithute haholoanyane ka ditshebeletso tsa tshehetso tse fanwang ke Botsamaisi ba Unisa bakeng sa Tlhabollo le Ntlafatso ya Mosebetsi le mokgwa wa ho ikopanya le moeletsi ho ba le moqoqo.

Kulahlekelwa nekudzabuka (nekuba selusizini)

Kuba sitjudeni endzaweni yekufundza bucalu kusho kutsi tifundvo takho tifakwe kulendzawo lohlala kuyo. Kwemukela imikhuba lemisha kute kutsi uhlale unemdlandla futsi ucedze tifundvo takho ngemphumelelo yonkhe iminyaka sekungumshikashika - kuba tima kakhulu kuchubeka ngalokufanele netifundvo takho uma ulahlekelwa futsi udzinga kubukana nelusizi ngembi kwekutsi utinte emcondvweni wakho lomusha lotayelekile futsi uphindze utinikele etifundvweni takho.

Kulahlekelwa kungenteka masinyane futsi ungakakulindzeli, noma kuba kwesikhatsi lesidze futsi lokulindzele. Kulahlekelwa kungatibonakalisa ngetindlela letinyenti letehlukene. Kunemazinga lahlukene ekulahlekelwa futsi umuntfu ngamunye utawutfola umtselela wekulahlekelwa lokutsite ngendlela lehlukile. Kulahlekelwa kungatsatsa simo sekulahlekelwa ngulobatsandzako ngesizatfu sekugula, timbangela temvelo, kuhlukumeteka, noma inhlekelele; kulahlekelwa buwena ngesizatfu sekutfutsela kulelinye live; kulahlekelwa likhono lekubona, kuva noma kuhamba; kulahlekelwa ngumsebenti kanye/noma sikhundla noma lwati lwemsebenti; kulahlekelwa ngumshado noma buhlobo; kulahlekelwa silwane lesifuywako lesitsandzekako; noma kulahlekelwa likhaya ngesizatfu setinkinga tetimali, kudzilitwa emsebentini, kugula, noma umhlalaphasi.  Noma ngukuphi kulahlekelwa kuhamba nesikhatsi sekuntjintja netingucuko.

Kudzabuka (nekuba selusizini)

Kudzabuka (kuba lusizi) kuyindlela lotsintfwa ngayo kulahlekelwa. Kudzabuka ngesizatfu sekulahlekelwa kuluhambo lwemuntfu sicu sakhe, futsi umuntfu ngamunye unendlela yakhe yekulawula kulahlekelwa nekudzabuka. Njengoba kuhlangana nekulahlekelwa kungemuntfu sicu sakhe, asikwati kusho kutsi umuntfu kufanele alahlekelwe kanjani futsi abukane njani nekudzabuka.Bantfu banetindlela letehlukene tekulahlekelwa kanye nendlela labadzabuka ngayo – ngamunye wetfu siyatikhetsela kutsi sibukana kanjani nekulahlekelwa kwetfu. Labanye bantfu bangaze bancume kutsi abafuni kuva buhlungu bekulahlekelwa – loku, nako, kuyindlela yekudzabuka.

Kudzabuka kuhambisana netinhlobonhlobo tetimphendvulo: letiphakamisa imiva (imiva yekudzabuka, yekutiva unelicala, intfukutselo, kwesaba, njll.), kutiphatsa (kutikhweshisa kubantfu; kungawenti umsebenti wakho ngesikhatsi lesifanele; kulwa kute ugcilise ingcondvo; tinkinga tekulala), kanye nekutiphatsa (ngekwengcondvo) kucasuka masinyane, kukhatsala, tinhlungu, kuncipha noma kukhula kwesisindvo semtimba, nekwehla kwemasotja emtimba). Kungenteka futsi kutsi kube nekuphakama kwemiva lokufana nentfukutselo noma umuva weludzaba lolungakaphetfwa loluphatselene nebuhlobo bakho nemuntfu longasekho kanye nawe. Ungativa udidekile mayelana nekulila, uphindze futsi utfukutselele lomuntfu longasekho. Kubalulekile kucedza lemiva kute kutsi utokhona kuphola noma-ke kwelapheka.

Esikhatsini lesinyenti asitiniki sikhatsi sekusebenta siphindze futsi sizindle ngekutsi kulahlekelwa etimphilweni tetfu kusho kutsini nekutsi kulitsintsa kanjani likhono letfu lekuchubekela embili. Ngaletinye tikhatsi tsine noma bantfu labadvute natsi asenti kutsi kube nendzawo yekulila. Etimeni letinyenti, umuntfu lolilako utsatfwa ngekutsi ubutsakatsaka, futsi "akakwati kubukana nesimo". Kungaba matima kukhuluma nalabanye ubatjele ngaloko lobukene nako. Kungase kube nembono wekutsi kukhuluma nalabanye ngekulahlekelwa kwakho kuyinkhomba yekuba butsakatsaka kanye nenkhomba yekungakhoni kubukana nekulahlekelwa.

Usakha kanjani sikhala sekulila kanye nekubukana nekulahlekelwa uma ngabe simo lotitfola ukuso asikuniki sikhala sekutsi ukhulume ngekulahlekelwa kwakho? Uncenga kanjani-ke kutsi utfole sikhala sekuphola? Ungacala ngekucabanga ngekutsi ufuna "kusigeza kanjani silondza" sakho – ingabe sewukulungele yini kucala kubukana nekulahlekelwa kwakho ngendlela lehlangene (hhayi ngendlela lengakachumani futsi lekha etulu)? Labanye bantfu batsatsa emalanga, tinyanga, ngisho neminyaka kukutfola indlela yekubukana nalokulahlekelwa.

Etehlakalweni letinyenti bantfu ababukani-nje nekulahlekelwa bese kutsi ngemuva kwaloko abasaphindzi bakhuluma ngako. Kuvamisile kutsi sikhunjutwe ngekulahlekelwa, siphindze futsi sibe nemuva wako futsi, lapho sihlangabetana netehlakalo letitsite emphilweni njengekushada, kutfola umntfwana, noma kwetfweswa sicoco seticu tetemfundvo. Indlela lesemukela ngayo kulahlekelwa kuyincenye yekubukana nako. Timo tekulahlekelwa titawuphindze futsi tibe nemtselela ekutsini kulahlekelwa sikutsatsa kanjani, nekutsi sikhetsa kuchubekelembili kanjani.

Kuncenga kwesekelwa ekubukaneni nekulahlekelwa, ikakhulukati ngetikhatsi tekucindzeteleka (sib. kubukana neluhlolo)

Cabanga ngekutsi kwesekelwa ukudzinga nini futsi kanjani. Sibonelo, kungenteka kutsi umatasatasa neluhlolo lwakho, bese ucaphela kutsi kushiywa ngumake wakho etinyangeni letintsatfu letendlulile manje sekunemtselela lomubi ekhonweni lakho lekugcila ekulungiseleleni luhlolo. Ungacabanga ngekutsi manje ukudzinga kanjani kwesekelwa kute ukhone kubukana nesimo. Ungakhetsa kutsi ucale ngekugcila ekubhalweni kweluhlolo lwakho, bese kutsi ngemuva kwaloko sewutfola kwesekelwa mayelana nekubukana nekulahlekelwa kwakho. Kungentiwa kutsi kuphaphuleka nekucindzeteleka lokuvamise kuhambisana nesikhatsi seluhlolo kuvusa umuva lojulile wekulahlekelwa nekutiva uwedvwana.

Imibuto yekucatjangwa

Lemibuto lotayitfola lapha ingakusita kutsi ubone ngalokucace kakhulu kutsi lokulahlekelwa kusho kutsini nekutsi yini lokhona kuyenta kute kutsi ukwemukele. Loku kungasho kufika endzaweni lapho khona sewukhona kulawula lobuhlungu nekutsi futsi bukhone kungena endleleni lophila ngayo onkhe emalanga esikhundleni sekutsi bukucobe emandla.  Loku, kanye nekwesekelwa lowetama kukuncenga emndenini wakho nakulabanye, kungakwesekela.

1. Ucabanga kutsi kwentiwa yini kutsi kubaluleke kuwe ngalesikhatsi lesi kutsi ukhulume nemuntfu lotsite mayelana nekulahlekelwa kwakho – yini lokusandza kwenteka locabanga kutsi kukutsintsile? Yini lokunye lokwentekako emphilweni yakho?
2. Chaza luhlobo lwekulahlekelwa. Kwentekeni?
3. Lokulahlekelwa kubugcina kanjani budlelwane noma-ke kulivimba kanjani likhono lekwenetisa budlelane bakho nalabanye bantfu?
4. Yini lena loyililelako? Ulahlekelwe yini?
5. Lokulahlekelwa kukutsintsa kanjani kutiva unguwe? (Utibona unjani ngembi nangemuva kwalokulahlekelwa?)
6. Yini lowetsemba kutsi utawuyitfola, futsi ubona tintfo tigucuka kanjani?
7. Uke wacabanga yini ngekutfola licembu lekwesekela? Ngubani longativa ukhululeke kakhulu kuye – bangani, umndeni, inkholo yakho noma licembu letakamoya?
8. Uma ngabe uyincenye yelicembu lebantfu (sibonelo, umndeni) lelihlangabetene nekulahlekelwa, ningasekelana kanjani lapho nisahamba lendlela yekudzabuka.
9. Yini longakhona kutentela yona? (Loku kungafaka ekhatsi tintfo longatenta tekutinakekela wena; intfo longayicamba njengekubhala noma wente libhuku lenkhumbulo; utsatsa sincumo sekwetfula kulila kwakho kute kutsi uphole – loku kungaba yindlela yekuhlela kutsi utawubukana kanjani nema-anivesari akho uhloniphe lokulahlekelwa njengencenye yekuphola; usebentise imisimeto yemndeni wakho noma emasiko etakamoya, noma-ke wakhe imisimeto lemisha.)
10. Ungesuka kanjani lapho ukhona manje uye lapho ungatsandza kutsi ube khona? (Cabanga ngaloku lokulandzelako: kulila kuyimvelo; kukusita kutsi uphole; kutsatsa sako sikhatsi; kunikana litfuba lekukhula uma ngabe ukwemukela futsi ukwenta kutsi kusebente.)
11. Uma ngabe sewukwente konkhe loku lokungetulu, kepha usativa uhlupheka emoyeni, yini lokufanele kutsi ukwente? (Loku kufaka ekhatsi kufuna lusito uma ngabe utiva kutsi awukhoni kuchubekelembili, nalapho kulila sekuba kukhahlabeteka emphefumulweni.)

Setfulo seKubukana nekudzabuka nekulahlekelwa

Udzinga kukhuluma nemuntfu?

Tfola kabanti ngeluhlelo lwe-tinsita tekwesekela letikhona loluniketwa Luphiko Lwe-Unisa lweTekweluleka kanye Nekutfutfukiswa Kwemisebenti nekutsi ungamtsintsa kanjani umeluleki kute ube nengcoco.

Ukuloba nesizi

Ukuba sitjudeni ebhodulukweni lokufunda elivulekile nelikude kutjho bona iimfundo zakho zingezelelwe ebhodulukweni ohlala kilo. Ukwamukela imikghwa emitjha ukuze ukhuthazeke begodu uqede iimfundo zakho ngepumelelo qobe mnyaka lokho kuyinto elikhuni – kuba budisana khulu ukobana uqalane neemfundo zakho lokha nakhe waloba begodu kutlhoge bona ubekezelele isizi namkha ubuhlungu ngaphambi kobana uzizwe sewunamandla begodu ubuyele eemfundweni zakho.

Ukuloba kungaba yinto eyenzeka msinya begodu engakalindelwa, namkha ethatha isikhathi eside begodu elindelweko. Ukuloba kungazibonakalisa ngeendlela ezinengi ezihlukileko. Kunemihlobo ehlukeneko yokuloba begodu omunye nomunye umuntu nakalobileko uzakubetheka ngendlela ehlukileko kilokho kuloba. Ukuloba kungaba kuloba loyo muntu omthandako ngesimanga sokugula, abonobangela bemvelo, ukuthukwa khulu, namkha ihlekelele; ukulahlekelwa yincwadi kamazisi ngesimanga sokufuduka, ukuloba ungasakghoni ukubona, ukuzwa eendlebeni namkha ukukhamba; ukulahlekelwa msebenzi begodu/namkha ubujamo namkha ibizelo lobuwena bakho; ukulahlekelwa mtjhado namkha itjhebiswano; ukuloba ifuyosithandwakho oyithandako; namkha ukulahlekelwa yindlu ngesimanga sokungasabi nemali yokubhadala, ukuphungulwa emsebenzini, ubulwele namkha ukuthatha umhlalaphasi. Okhunye nokhunye ukuloba kukhambisana nesikhathi setjhuguluko namkha ukutjhuguluka.

Isizi

Isizi kuyipendulo namkha indlela umuntu azizwa ngayo nakalobileko. Isizi lokuloba kulikhambo elikhethekileko lomuntu, begodu omunye nomunye umuntu unendlelakhe yokulawula ukuloba kanye nesizi. Njengombana ilemuko lokuloba liyinto ethinta umuntu ngokwakhe, angeze saqunta bona umuntu kufanele abe nelemuko elinjani lokuloba nelokuba sesizini. Abantu baneendlela ezihlukeneko zokulemuka ukuloba nendlela ababa sesizini ngayo namkha abezwa ngayo ubuhlungu – omunye nomunye umuntu kithi uyazikhethela bona uqalana njani nokuloba okumenzakalelako. Abanye abantu bangathatha neenqunto zokobana abafuni ukuba nelemuko lobuhlungu bokulahlekela – nakho lokhu, kusesengiyo indlela yokuba sesizini.

Ukuba sesizini kukhambisana neempendulo ezinengi ezihlukahlukeneko: okuthinta imizwa (umuzwa wokuba sesizini, isazelo, ukukwata, ukusaba, njll.) indlela yokuziphatha (ukungasafuni abantu; ukungaqedi umsebenzakho ngesikhathi; ukubhalelwa kulalela; ukungalali kuhle), imiraro ethinta umkhumbulo (ukugonyuluka, indlala, ukuqaqamba kanye namapeyini, ukwehla komzimba namkha ukuba mkhulu komzimba, begodu nokwehla kwehlelo lamasotjha avikela umzimba ezifeni). Kungaba godu nemizwa efana neyokukwakata namkha umuzwa wokuthi ikhona into engakapheli kuhle ephathelene netjhebiswano lakho kwezethando nomuntu ongasathandani naye. Ungazizwa uzaza ukuzila, begodu ukwatele nomuntu ongasekho. Kuqakathekile ukobana ulungise imizwa le ukuze ukghone ukuphola.

Esikhathini esinengi asizinikeli isikhathi esaneleko ukobana siqalane begodu nokobana siqale bona ukuloba kutjho ukuthini eempilweni zethu nanokuthi kuwathinta njani amakghonwethu wokuragela phambili nepilo. Kwesinye isikhathi kungaba ngithi namkha abantu esitjhidelene nabo abangakhi isikhala sokobana sizile silile. Esikhathini esinengi, umuntu olilako vane athathwe njengomuntu osibaga, “nongakghoniko ukujamelana nobujamo”. Kungaba budisana ukukhulumisana nabanye abantu ngalokho okuzwako ngaphakathi kwakho. Kungaba nombono othi ukukhuluma nabanye abantu ngokuloba kwakho kulitshwayo lokuthi usibaga begodu kutjengisa bona awukghoni ukujamelana nokuloba kwakho.

Usakha njani isikhala sokulila nokuqalana nokuloba kwakho lokha ubujamo ozithola ukibo bungakunikeli isikhala sokuthi ukhulume ngokuloba kwakho? Ukhulumisana njani ngesikhala sokuphola? Ungathoma ngokucabanga bona ungafuna ukwenza njani lokho “ukuhlanza inceba” - ingabe sewukulungele ukuthoma uqalane nokuloba kwakho ngendlela ehlangeneko (ingasi ngendlela ehlukileko namkha yokungafuni isizo labanye abantu)? Abanye abantu bathatha amalanga amanengi, iinyanga, begodu neminyaka imbala ukobana bathole indlela yokwamukela ukuloba kwabo.

Esikhathini esinengi abantu abamane baqalane nokuloba bese bangasacabangi ngakho godu. Esikhathini esinengi sikhunjuzwa ngokuloba kwethu, bese lokho sikukhumbule ngobutjha, lokha nakuba nezehlakalo ezithileko zepilo ezifana nokutjhada, ukuba nomntwana namkha ukuthweswa iziqu (ukugrajuweyitha). Indlela esamukela ngayo ukuloba kuyingcenye yokuqalana nakho. Izehlakalo zokuloba nazo zizakulawulwa kukuthi siqalana njani nokuloba, nokobana sikhetha njani ukobana siragele phambili.

Ukubonisana ngesekelo mayelana nokuqalana nokuloba, khulukhulu ngeenkhathi ezinzima (isib. Ukuqalana neenhlahlubo)

Cabanga ngokuthi ulifuna njani begodu ulifuna nini isekelo. Ukwenza isibonelo, ungaba matasatasa neenhlahlubo zakho begodu uyabona bona ukudlula kombelethakho emhlabeni eenyangeni ezintathu ezidlulileko kube nomphumela omumbi ekutheni ukghone ukutjhejana namalungiselelo weenhlahlubo. Ungacabanga ngokuthi uzolitlhoga njani isekelo ukuze ukghone ukujamelana nobujamobo. Ungakhetha ukobana uqalane ntanzi nokobana utlole iinhlahlubo zakho, bese ngemva kwalokho uthole isekelo lokobana uqalane nokulahlekelwa kwakho. Kungenzeka ukutshwenyeka nesitresi esikhathini esinengi esikhambelana nesikhathi seenhlahlubo zikukhumbuze ukuloba zenze bona uzibone sewunesizungu.

Imibuzo ethandwa khulu

Imibuzo ozoyithola lapha ingakusiza ukobana ubone kuhle khulu bona ukuloba kutjho ukuthini nokobana khuyini okghona ukukwenza ukobana ugcine sewamukele. Lokhu kutjho ukufinyelela endaweni lapha ubuhlungu bukghona ukulawuleka khona begodu buba yinto okghona ukujamelana nayo ngamalanga kunokobana kukuphule ummoya. Lokhu kokubili kunye nesekelo okghona ukubonisana ngalo nomndenakho nabanye abantu, kungakunikela isekelo.

1. Ucabanga bona kuba yini njenganje kuqakathekile ukobana ukhulume nomunye umuntu ngokuloba kwakho – khuyini okwenzekileko mhlapha nje ocabanga bona kukuthinte kumbi? Khuyini okhunye okwenzekako epilwenakho?
2. Hlathulula umhlobo wokuloba kwakho. Kwenzekeni?
3. Ingabe ukulobokhu kutjheja njani amatjhebiswano namkha kukhandela njani ikghono lokobana ube nobudlelwano nabanye abantu?
4. Yini oyililelako? Ulahlekelwe yini?
5. Ingabe ilemuko lokulahlekelwa leli liwuthinta njani umuzwakho? (Izibona ukuphi ngaphambi kokuloba nangemva kokuloba?)
6. Ufuna kwenzekeni, begodu uzibona zitjhuguluka njani izinto?
7. Ingabe ukhe wacabanga ukobana uthole isiqhema esisekelako? Ungakhululeka nange unabobani – unabangani, unomndeni, abantu bakho besondo namkha isiqhema othandaza naso?
8. Nangabe uyingcenye yesiqhema sabantu (ukwenza isibonelo, umndenakho) okhe waloba nawo, ningasekelana njani ekutheni niqalane neenkambiso zokuzwa ubuhlungu?
9. Khuyini ongakghona ukuzenzela khona? (Lokhu kungafaka hlangana imisebenzi yokuzitlhogomela, into yokwenza into ngokwekghono njengokutlola namkha ukwenza incwadi enemikhumbulo; ukuthatha isiqunto sokobana ufuna ukuqalana njani nobuhlungu obuzwako ukuze uphole – lokhu kungathatha indlela yokuthi ungaqalana njani neenkhumbuzo zemitjhado ukuhlonipha loyo ongasekho njengengcenye yokuphola; kusetjenziswe amariyadlhana wesiko akhona enziwako emndeninakho namkha ngokwesikopilo lesondo, namkha kwenziwe amariyadlhana amatjha.)
10. Ungasuka njani lapha ukhona njenganje utjhinge lapha ufuna ukuya khona? (Khumbula lokhu okulandelako: ukulila namkha ukuzwa ubuhlungu kuyinto yemvelo; kukusiza ukobana uphole; kulandela isikhathi saso; kukunikela ithuba lokobana ukhule nangabe kuyafakwa hlangana begodu kwenziwe ukobana kusebenze.)
11. Nangabe wenze koke lokhu okungehla, begodu uzizwa usatshwenyekile, kufanele wenzeni? (Lokhu kufaka hlangana ukufuna isizo nangabe uzizwa ungakghoni ukuragela phambili nepilo, begodu nalokha nangabe ukuzwa ubuhlungu kukubangela ukugandeleleka komkhumbulo.)

Utlhoga ukukhuluma nomuntu?

Funda okuneng ingemisebenzi yesekelo enikelwa mNqophisi we-Unisa Directorate for Counselling and Career Developmentnokobana ungamthinta njani umuntu ozakweluleka ukobana ucocisane namkha ukhulumisane naye.

• Izethulo zokuqalana nesizi kanye nokuloba